Notes on Disneyland

Last weekend Sarah and I zipped down to LA to spend two days at Disneyland. Last time I was there, the Indiana Jones ride was brand new. My, how time flies…

  • People complain about the ticket prices, but honestly, they’re not bad. A single day ticket is $69, which is comparable to Great America at $55, and I think we can all stipulate that Disneyland is easily more than 25.4% cooler than Great America.
  • On the other hand, the food isn’t very good. And the Blue Bayou is up to $30 at lunch, and $50 at dinner, which is insane.
  • The best time of year to go to Disneyland is probably October. The weather’s cooler (but still warm), rain is still pretty unlikely, and the crowds are smaller.
  • The best time of day to be at Disneyland is 11pm-midnight.
  • Sign #1 that I’m no longer a teenager: It is now impossible to do Disneyland without taking a nap in the early afternoon.
  • Somehow in all my previous visits, I had missed the Tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki Room. I’ll have to ask my folks whether this was intentional.
  • Sarah: “This is how Buzz Lightyear works. First, you sit down in the car. Then, you try to shoot all the targets. Then, I kick your ass.” Final score: Evan – 14,000, Sarah, 450,000.
  • Little kids at Disneyland are even cuter than you would think they would be.
  • The “wildlife” that you see during the Mark Twain riverboat ride are looking a little dilapidated. Also, if you want to force the nap issue, there’s nothing like sitting on the front deck of the riverboat in full sun.
  • Space Mountain is nearly the same, but the beginning part (the space warp) is a little more 21st century. Well done.
  • I totally did not look at the Eye in the Indiana Jones ride, but we ended up flying through the cursed temple anyway. Man, I hate when people do that.
  • While we’re on the subject of Indiana Jones, a Public Service Announcement. Tickling the back of your boyfriend’s neck when the car is going through the tunnel of creepy-crawlies: NOT FUNNY.
  • The Haunted Mansion is all tricked out with Nightmare Before Christmas decorations. I like Nightmare Before Christmas, but the Haunted Mansion is definitely less scary.
  • Pirates of the Caribbean is not improved with multiple Johnny Depps.
  • Park employee: “So what ride did you all just come from?” Sarah: “The bathroom ride.” Park employee: “Ah, that’s one of our most popular rides.”
  • California Adventure is… actually pretty good!
  • But the main entrance is all decked out with candy corn and … there was no candy corn for sale. I don’t get it.
  • Sign #2 that I’m no longer a teenager: The California Screamin’ roller coaster looked too damn big and fast to ride. I haven’t actually been afraid of any roller coaster in over twenty years. This was a sad epiphany for me.
  • Nonetheless, one can admire California Screamin’ from afar — it’s pretty impressive how it can launch people almost immediately up to 55 mph. I hear it’s some kind of super-advanced maglev system. No word on whether the super-advanced brain-upload + clone backup facilities are up and running too, which frankly is the only way I’m ever getting on this thing.
  • Toy Story is better than Buzz Lightyear, and not just because I almost beat Sarah.
  • You’re much better off buying wine in Real California than Fake California.
  • Hidden gem of the park: Turtle Talk with Crush the Turtle.
  • Characters seen: not too many. Aladdin, Harvest Goofy, and Harvest Minnie (cute). But the best was saved for last: the Wicked Queen from Snow White! She’s no Maleficent, but she’ll do.

Life Is Sometimes Better Explained By Pink Laminated Cards

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters) — Aided by the Democrats and Republicans, the Federal Reserve today launched an all-out assault on the main control arm of the Gnomes of Zurich. Over a hundred Megabucks evaporated from the world’s economy in mere minutes as the Dow Industrial Average plunged hundreds of points, New York was completely destroyed, and groups ranging from the International Cocaine Smugglers to the Boy Sprouts became uncontrolled.

Reports indicate that the attack was well-planned and well-coordinated by various shadowy organizations. According to spokesman Hans Lieber of The Bavarian Illuminati, “The situation had grown completely untenable. Hidden under mountains of complex financial derivatives, default credit swaps… we had no idea how the Gnomes were really doing. Although we took a serious financial hit aiding this attack, it was clear that had to act quickly and make the best of a bad situation.”

ADA-912 of The Network agreed. “Stochaistic models indicated that the Gnomes’s probability of victory was approaching 1 – epsilon. In this scenario, activating our Orbital Mind Control Lasers to assist in the assault was the only viable option.”

While initially there were some fears that The Discordian Society would sit out the attack, they eventually joined in as well. A representative of the Discordians that would only describe himself as “Peaches” stated, “At first we were like, ‘whoa, dudes, chill out, they don’t even have that many cards.’ But then we heard how the Gnomes probably just needed one more turn to get 150 Megabucks, and that they might even have a Slush Fund waiting to play. That just totally harshed our mellow.”

Not surprisingly, the Gnomes of Zurich have shed little light on how recent events have unfolded, let alone the current state of their finances. “This really sucks,” said Winky Beeblebrox, head financier and spokesgnome. “I go to the bathroom for five frickin’ minutes, and when I come back, these guys have completely gone behind my back and planned out a full attack. It’s not fair. Besides, the Bavarians are winning anyway. Fine, blow up the world’s economy, see if we care.”

As for the actual instigator of the attack, The Servants of Cthulhu had not issued a statement by the time this article went to press.