WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters) \u2014 Aided by the Democrats<\/i> and Republicans<\/i>, the Federal Reserve<\/i> today launched an all-out assault on the main control arm of the Gnomes of Zurich<\/b>. Over a hundred Megabucks evaporated from the world’s economy in mere minutes as the Dow Industrial Average plunged hundreds of points, New York<\/i> was completely destroyed, and groups ranging from the International Cocaine Smugglers<\/i> to the Boy Sprouts<\/i> became uncontrolled.<\/p>\n
Reports indicate that the attack was well-planned and well-coordinated by various shadowy organizations. According to spokesman Hans Lieber of The Bavarian Illuminati<\/b>, “The situation had grown completely untenable. Hidden under mountains of complex financial derivatives, default credit swaps… we had no idea how the Gnomes were really doing. Although we took a serious financial hit aiding this attack, it was clear that had to act quickly and make the best of a bad situation.”<\/p>\n
ADA-912 of The Network<\/b> agreed. “Stochaistic models indicated that the Gnomes’s probability of victory was approaching 1 – epsilon. In this scenario, activating our Orbital Mind Control Lasers<\/i> to assist in the assault was the only viable option.”<\/p>\n
While initially there were some fears that The Discordian Society<\/b> would sit out the attack, they eventually joined in as well. A representative of the Discordians that would only describe himself as “Peaches” stated, “At first we were like, ‘whoa, dudes, chill out, they don’t even have that many cards.’ But then we heard how the Gnomes probably just needed one more turn to get 150 Megabucks, and that they might even have a Slush Fund<\/i> waiting to play. That just totally harshed our mellow.”<\/p>\n
Not surprisingly, the Gnomes of Zurich<\/b> have shed little light on how recent events have unfolded, let alone the current state of their finances. “This really sucks,” said Winky Beeblebrox, head financier and spokesgnome. “I go to the bathroom for five frickin’ minutes, and when I come back, these guys have completely gone behind my back and planned out a full attack. It’s not fair. Besides, the Bavarians are winning anyway. Fine, blow up the world’s economy, see if we care.”<\/p>\n
As for the actual instigator of the attack, The Servants of Cthulhu<\/b> had not issued a statement by the time this article went to press.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Not surprisingly, the Gnomes of Zurich<\/b> have shed little light on how recent events have unfolded, let alone the current state of their finances. “This really sucks,” said Winky Beeblebrox, head financier and spokesgnome. “I go to the bathroom for five frickin’ minutes, and when I come back, these guys have completely gone behind my back and planned out a full attack. It’s not fair. Besides, the Bavarians are winning anyway. Fine, blow up the world’s economy, see if we care.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-386","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/386","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=386"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/386\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":765,"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/386\/revisions\/765"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=386"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=386"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goer.org\/Journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=386"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}